This week, a friend sent a link to a humor writing contest. Called the Royal Nonesuch Humor Writing Contest, it is sponsored by the Mark Twain Museum in Hartford, Connecticut. The deadline is next week, so click here to enter. Full disclosure, you have to pay $23 to submit, but I strongly encourage you to give it a try, as one of the prizes is a gift certificate to the Mark Twain store in Hartford, Connecticut. The "Cat in the Ruff" laminated bookmark is super cute.

This is my sort of contest, and I've been busy searching for my funny. But to no avail. That is, until I looked at this pewter duck from Hong Kong in the photo above. (He's new in the shop and you can click on the photos for shopping information.)

His cute little beak triggered a memory of the much-loved children's book, The Story About Ping. Published in 1933, author Marjorie Flack tells the story of the little yellow duck who lived with his numerous duck clan aboard the wise-eyed boat on the Yang-Tze River. One day, Ping is late returning to the boat, and to avoid the certain spanking, he runs away. He spends the night alone and the next day, looking for his family, he is captured and nearly eaten. Miraculously, he is secretly released into the river where he spots his clan swimming alongside the wise-eyed boat. After bravely accepting the punishment he evaded the day before, Ping is reunited with his family to live happily ever after. It is a soul-crushing book and I hate it.

The illustrations by Kurt Wiese transport us to a China that has nearly disappeared. I love the soft colors and the square sails on the junk boats. But the story itself is f'ed-up, man. There is no moral. Or maybe the moral is that lower-class ducks better suck it up, listen to the man, and conform. Because it's better to be beaten than eaten. I don't know. This is one sick story. 

And I've decided to use my long-suppressed aversion as a creative prompt for this contest.  

Thus, I am departing until next week. If you have thoughts on The Story of Ping, I'd love to hear them! 

And until that essay is finished, here are some humorous duck stories:  

JOKE #1 WITH AMERICAN DUCK

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

JOKE #2 WITH ENGLISH DUCK

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"

For shopping information on this pair of vintage pewter and brass ducks, click on the photo. They're new at Finder Not Keeper.

Photos by Jane Ballesteros

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